Karkat: Contemplate Your Life
by GrandioseEnthusiast
Summary: After Act 6 Intermission 2, Karkat hides from the others in an attempt to deal with his feelings for Terezi. Rated M for Language.


Karkat Vantas: Contemplate your life.

You're curled up, crouching in your usual hiding place on this godforsaken meteor, doing your best to avoid all the shitty dream bubbles and sloppy make-outs that have become regular occurrences. It's not that you mind the dream bubbles (you do mind the make-outs); if anything you appreciate them because they allow you to see your friends even though they are now long dead. Hell, you're even glad to see Eridan from time to time, and it's a stretch to call him a friend. For a second you can believe that everyone survived, that you weren't such a complete fuck-up as a leader. What bugs you are the damn existential questions that the dream bubbles bring up. What was the point of the game, what was the point of dying, fighting, living, if in the end you're just as alive as the dead, hurling through space on some rock? If the game didn't matter, then death was just some ironic twist ending.

The worst part of all these what ifs is the fact that there's no one for you to talk to about them. If you're going crazy, it would at least be nice not to go crazy alone. Your best friend Sollux has been gone for over a year, flying off somewhere with his time-traveling girlfriend. John and Jade are who knows where, and there's no way to contact them. You would talk to Kanaya, but she's too busy flirting with Rose and hunting down your fucking psychotic moirail. Half the time you're caught talking to some past or future version of yourself, creating some kind of horrible and drawn out argument just so you can talk to someone.

On top of everything, there is this drama with Dave and Terezi which makes you feel like you've been sucked into a personal hell made up entirely of the most contrived romcoms that you've ever watched. All this shit is a lot more entertaining and sociologically interesting when you're reading it in a book or watching it in a movie. Now your life reads like a trollmance. An Ill-prepared and Fucking Terrible Leader Loses His Matesprite to an Alien who Is an Insufferable Prick after Half His Friends Die because of His Stupid Actions; This Alien Proceeds to Make Unwanted Caliginous Gestures towards the Protagonist; the Protagonist Fumbles through His Complicated Relationships in a Way that Could Be Seen as almost Humorous but Is Actually Just Pathetic; The Alien Makes over 20 Ironic Remarks; Another Alien Uses Sarcasm… The title could go on forever. You just don't have the time or patience to deal with this shit.

Suddenly you train of thought is broken as you notice something. A sound. Footsteps coming closer. Instinctively, you tense, preparing for the worst.

The footsteps stop, and a hand lifts the blanket off of your hiding place.

"Is this a pillow fort?" asks a slow and all too familiar voice.

"Maybe you should take those shitty, lameass sunglasses off so that you can actually see. Of course it's a goddamn pillow fort, and you are the last fucking person that I want to talk to right now, Strider."

He puts his hands up in mock defense. "Whoa. I come seeking you out, worried about you or some shit, and this is the thanks I get? Low blow. Right in the balls of my pride."

"I fucking hope that your pride loses the ability to make other little bulgesucking pride monsters."

"Don't you see the poor guy writhing down on the floor? You kicked all the fucking pride sperm right out of him." He leans down and sits next to you, pulling the blanket back over the fort. In this small space, he's a little too close for comfort. "I thought only babies made pillow forts," he says. "And you were calling my sweet shades lame."

"If you don't like it, you can pick up your disgusting, free-loading pride and get the fuck out. Do I have to put a "No Douche-bags Allowed" sign on the entry way to make this more obvious for you? What's it going to take to get this into your thick, idiotic skull? You are not wanted here. You're like a rejected grub. No lusus wants you, and you're about to be culled by some drone with no sympathy for your whiny, annoying shit."

Ignoring your rant, Dave continues, "Terezi said that we should talk. She still cares about you for some strange reason, and she knows we both miss John and Jade. She thinks we've got some things in common even though I'm clearly cooler than you are. Her words, not mine."

"You know, if I can peel through the layer of hoofbeast feces that coats your words, you're actually being civil in a way that is completely fucking unnatural."

Dave rests his head in his hands. "You got me. God, I don't want to talk to you either, but Terezi wouldn't even look at me until I said I would talk to you. You know how she gets."

"You are the last person that I want to talk to about how Terezi gets."

"Dude, I wasn't talking about Terezi and I making out or anything. You've got to get your shit together about this. I'm not even sure Terezi and I are in a real relationship. She's kind of cryptic about it, and if I ask her anything, she just smiles at me with her pointy teeth. Damn, it gives me the creeps."

"If she wants me to say that I'm fucking over her, it's not going to happen." You grit your teeth. She thinks that she can send Strider here to talk things out and that will fix everything? Doesn't she have the guts to talk to you herself like a normal troll? The last time you confronted her about this, she used some legal mumbo-jumbo to explain how she never really cheated on you and how you have actually been broken up for a few days before she started chasing after Dave.

It couldn't have been that she was scared about hurting your feelings. You couldn't remember the last time Terezi ever gave even one shit about how you felt. All you did in the relationship was give shits about her. You had emotional fucking diarrhea for her, and she might have well been emotionally constipated. Not that you would ever say that out loud. Partially because it's too embarrassing to point out how head-over-heels you were, and partially because that is one of the worst fucking metaphors you've thought up in your entire pathetic existence. "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of my pillow fort, Strider."

"Okay, Vantas, I give up. There is a wall around your heart which I cannot break."

"You're damn right."

"I'm knocking on the wall, but there's no way that my feeble attempts are bringing that fucker down. It might as well be made of lead." He looks over his sunglasses at you and turns as if he's about to leave. Almost as an afterthought, he asks, "So I should tell the dragon that you're still way into her and would rather wallow in your misery and self-pity alone, right?"

"Fuck you."

"Wow, I'm flattered, but I'm in a relationship," he deadpans.

You scowl.

"Look, I know you don't want my advice. But maybe you need to talk to Terezi about this. At least to get her off of my back."

"What in the entire fucking universe would entice me to do something for you?"

"Then do it for yourself. But she's not going to talk to you about it first." He nods at you and leaves your fort. Good riddance.

With Strider gone, you have some more time to think. If only Jade or John were here. They would know what to do to get Strider to stop bothering you. And they wouldn't abandon you to go make out with Dave or Rose. Well, maybe they would. You did make that shipping chart a while back. Not that anyone ever listened to it at all. They treated your shipping chart like they treat you, like you're absolutely worthless.

You shake your head. You've got to stop beating yourself up. It's pathetic and annoying.

You lie back into the pillows. Maybe you should just close your eyes and forget about this nonsense.

The outside of your fort rustles again.

"Goddamnit, Strider! I can't even have ten minutes to myself?"

But as the blanket is pulled off your fort, it's not Strider's face that greets you. The one which does is gray and rather pointier, with red glasses.

"You smell adoooorable all curled up in this fort, Karkles!" Terezi says, cackling.

"Oh, uh, what do you want, Terezi?" you ask, trying to be as nonchalant as possible but failing egregiously.

"Don't be so nervous, Karkat. Dave told me that you wanted to talk, and of course I had to find out why." She smiles and crawls into your fort. How many times does a troll's personal space have to be invaded in one day? "It's a very nice cave you've got here," she says. "And you told me that you didn't like to role-play. Nepeta and I did this kind of thing all the time."

"Terezi, I didn't tell Dave that I wanted to talk to you. He was supposed to say some fucking shit about the fact that I wanted to be alone, actually."

She furrows her eyebrows. "Well that's weird. How curious that Dave would lie to me. I'll have to go and bang out this problem with him. I'll bang the cherry-colored truth right out of him. Justice will be had."

"Oh my God, Terezi."

"The taste of justice. The smell of justice. It's so close, so near. I'll lock him up in the Can Town jail. He will be covered in all the delicious chalk, and he will not be released until the truth bleeds out of his veins." She laughs, and the squeaky peaks of her joy push you right over the edge. Enough of this fucking nonsense.

"This. This is the fucking problem. What is this shit?"

"Just talking about my job. Jegus, legislacerators don't get any respect in this pillow fort."

"We were fucking matesprites, Terezi! Doesn't that mean anything to you? I feel like some useless, nooksucking fool around you. You left me in the dust, smacked me down with your cane and ground my face into the fucking dirt. We've never talked about the break-up."

"Don't make this into one of your romance movies, crabby," she teases, still giggling.

Oh, you hate her. You fucking hate her. You hate her self-satisfied smile and the way she's constantly licking her lips like some kind of giant lizard. You hate those lips, those pointed teeth, the fact that she likes to bite.

"You're staring at my mouth, Karkat. You want to say something?"

Bluh! Who needs this bitch? You turn your face away. "I don't have anything to say to you."

"I thought you would eat up all this drama, not completely shut down. Look, I'm sorry we didn't work out, Karkat. But if what you want is a stable relationship, Dave can attest to the fact that I'm not the troll to have one with."

"There's no troll or human who could be in a fucking stable relationship with me. Even my shitty moirail skipped out, probably to make-out with some corpse somewhere like a high as fuck psychopath."

"What about the human with the bright green words, Jade or whatever?"

"Oh, thanks, Terezi. I'll fucking get right on that relationship. Just give me two years." You pause and explain, "The two people who I could always rely on are lightyears away, and for all I know, they don't even miss me nearly as much as I miss them."

"I'm not good with all this mushy stuff," Terezi says, putting her arm awkwardly around your shoulder. "But I missed you when we were on the same meteor." She sighs and slouches down into the pillows, resting her head on your shoulder.

You let your head lean down on top of hers, her scratchy hair brushing against your neck. It's pretty romantic, just like old times. Better than old times. You know it can't last, but you pretend.

"Karkat," she says slowly, her face hidden by her hair, "we don't work as a couple, but we work as friends." It's the most serious voice you've ever heard her use, and you know that she means it.

"I guess that would be okay," you say. "As long as I don't have to hear anymore about whatever the fuck you and Strider do to each other."

"Deal," she agrees, lifting up her head and grinning. Grabbing your hands, she squeals, "Now you've got to come see Can Town! Dave and the Mayor and I have been working so hard on it!"

Reluctantly, you follow her out of your pillow fort. "Shit," you say, as she drags you along. "How long do I have to stay and hang out in the colorful fucking loony bin?"

Her eyes light up, or at least you think they would have. "There's a hotel next to the court house!"

Dave and the Mayor are sitting and drawing when you get there, and they look up at you. Dave smirks but doesn't say anything, keeping the self-righteous asshole comments to himself for once.

Even though you're groaning on the outside, complaining to Terezi about how stupid and childish the whole thing is, you feel a ball of warmth growing in your stomach. You're genuinely happy for the first time in at least a year, you realize. And you think that, despite all the drama, despite douchebag Strider, despite your terrible relationships, maybe you can deal with this for another two years.


End file.
